C'est Nice

in a mental/emotional sense. I know where i am geographically... edinburgh. I should be very excited. Which I am, in a way. But... I don't know. I misunderestimated this whole traveling alone thing. What happened is, I (perhaps rather unfortunately) checked my e-mail last night to find that I had been rejected from one of my more promising job prospects in San Francisco, and that my summer job prospect, while still prospectful, is actually not what I was hoping it would be (day camp counselor... now... who knows?). And all of a sudden, i felt overcome with a huge desire not to be alone anymore. The idea of my four-day sojourn to the edge of the world by myself was all of a sudden more than I could bear, and I immediately began restrategizing and rescheduling things to get back home earlier. Not directly back home, certainly, but a good week earlier or something like that. Mostly, I would forgo my four days on the edge of the world, go spend the next few days with Charlotte, who is visiting her grandmothers in the north of england, then somehow get back to Dublin for a few days before I fly back home. I told myself I would sleep on the decision, and, after falling asleep at around 1 am, woke up at 4:40 unable to fall back asleep, and, more disturbingly, no inclination to do one thing over the other. The dual instincts to 1) not be alone and depressed, but 2) to not give up on something just because I'm bummed (why, I don't exactly know... misplaced machismo?) seem to be head and head now, but only in terms of motivation, not in terms of making me not feel crummy.

Part of me wants to have someone make the decision for me, although part of me is vaguely happy that i have to gut it out on my own. I'm going to go to try and sleep for a few more hours, and pray that things start making sense. Wish me luck.